i feel so strange again. finding out that people i cherished the most are the least plesant people to be around was a hard hit
my head is a mess now, my mind is a mess too. not even daydreaming, not even art and appretiation of it by other people.
but i'll admit, this time when mom said she likes my picture i felt something.
chehova scared me with joe's face on her avatar, she really did. so strange to say that, but off all the people i seem to be still feeling betrayed and whimpy over it.
something special for me, i guess. it left a wet, soaking bloody hole. it feelt like joe really gave a damn but she just didn't. not a lot of people do.
and those who do, never freaking act on it. do i myself act on it? i really hope so. gotta look out for acting on it.
i also realized i lost a lot of people because of that. used to get attention from the childhood and now it's a freaking problem.
i'm not even sure if it's about attention or appretiation anymore - everything social comes out so wrong and wakward that i might as well stop communicating.
don't wanna go to bed and face my thought before falling asleep, but i have to. i guess.
i need to capture my fucking инн and start getting this shit together. just all of it, slowly.
started a redbubble with that one space ocean print. are you proud of me yet? i wish my dad saw this one. wonder what he'd say.
i won't even try to send it - out of courage to get knocked by reality again. where is my light to go to?????
so may questions, so little answers, usual ratio.
guess nobody wants to love someone as bad as me. i'll see what i could do, but i'm afraid it's not much. that's why it stills feel like it's summer and joe's leaving.
i felt something good round her and tried to be better genuenly. tried to be usefull. something made me feel like it was worth it. like my personality was worth it.
oh well